Sweet littlest Wilde heart. 

7 weeks old, the chubbiest cheeks, the spikiest hair, smiles so sweet they hurt.

I have so so much to say to you, so much to pour out from an overflowing heart, but no time to do so here. So I will keep smothering you with kisses, keep holding you close just a little longer after nursing, keep whispering sweet nothings into your ear as I nuzzle down into your silk soft hair, keep trying (and failing miserably) to plot out a love letter worthy of you.

I love you Asher Wilde. With my whole heart.

xxx Mama

Asher Wilde - Birth Story

Asher Wilde, my littlest love.
He came barreling into the world, all 9lbs of him in two pushes at 4:04am Monday May 5th. My Cinco De Mayo baby.

After an incredible home birth experience with Sam just months earlier, I was so looking forward to the same experience. Unfortunately it was not to be and with 3 months of hard core morning sickness, 10 weeks of very scary (but really not that bad) progesterone shots and then a diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes, I began to lose faith in my body. Every day I was angry that it had been so easy before and now it was constant, pain, daily pricks, an intense diet, constant doctors appointments and monitoring. My Sacred Pregnancy had become a chore, and I’d slip into bed at night exhausted by it all and riddled with guilt, so heart sore that I wasn’t able to give this new boy the same devotion while growing him as I had done for his brother.

36 weeks came…. 36 weeks went and I was sad and frustrated and worried. My wonderful OB, my 4th care provider for this pregnancy hit the nail on the head when at my 37 week appointment she told me it was ok to be frustrated, after all to my heart and my head, I was now overdue. The progesterone had done it’s work and I was considered full term, and while I should have been happy that this was the case, Sam coming at 36 weeks at set a precedent.

38weeks 4 days, Saturday night, we were celebrating a birthday with family, I was told multiple times that I looked “done” and ready to pop, but I wasn’t so sure. I was having contractions 4-5 mins apart, but that was normal for me, I’d been experiencing this for weeks. I was so convinced that I’d be pregnant forever that I couldn’t discern whether these really were more intense or if that was just wishful thinking. We came home that night and I took just one teaspoon of castor oil for errrr, some relief. I washed it down with a few sips of ice cold coke and went to bed worrying about my blood sugar readings for the the next morning.

The nights sleep was fitful, I’d wake up to cramps, and then fall back asleep, wondering to myself if this was it… We called on grandma in the morning, I needed Sam to be taken care of, I was so worried about being cranky in front of him, we ate breakfast together, our last as a family of 3. I was weepy, and moody, frustrated and, wait, was that a hint of excited too?

Once our big boy was safely on his way with Granny, Rommy and I set about our day, slowly packing hospital bags, feeling so awkward about it…. Packing for the hospital felt so wrong, we had never done this with Sam. What do we need? When do we leave? So much doubt. When things slowed down a bit we headed out to run a few errands, I’d have to drop to my knees now and then with a contraction, but we just kept on going, we walked hand and hand through the rides and food stalls of a school festival across the road from our home, both tearing up at the tiny bodies on stage singing and dancing in a contest, all the while I rubbed my belly, excited to meet my boy but filled with doubt about whether this was really it. We walked and walked and walked some more and for minutes at a time it felt like we were going to be first time parents again, smiling, giggling, flirting, but my heart would get heavy and I’d miss my big boy, wondering if today was the day we’d blow his world wide open, wondering if I’d given him enough kisses, truly gotten through to him how much he meant to me.

The light began to fade on the day and we made our way home, I spent a long time in the shower. Clearly things began to pick up because Rommy began to bother me about going to the hospital. I became panicked and snappy and demanded to know why he wanted to push me into going. Poor boy, ah the emotional roller coaster of labor. I demanded that I get a pedicure first. I swear. I did! And so we walked up the street, past tables of people having dinner, past our favorite frozen yogurt shop, past a bar filled with smoke and scantily clad women. I breathed deeply and repeated my Hypnobabies prompts. I giggled a little to myself. Oh how funny life is. The nail salon was closed but the owner knows me and when she saw I was in labor she ushered me in, gave me a pedicure with an extra long and vigorous massage (while also teaching Rommy how to perform a good labor foot massage! Surreal!).

Back home I was struggling to find a comfortable place to labor and I agreed that it was probably time to head to the hospital. The ride there was fine, I relied on my Hypnobabies and felt mostly comfortable. L&D were expecting us, we were taken straight to our room.

4-5 centimeters. I had checked myself at home so I was not surprised. My wishes for an intervention free birth were totally respected. No initial monitoring, no IV or hep lock, I ate, I drank, I moved around and showered. It was great! I remember saying to my nurse that I felt like I was cheating, that this was too easy.

An hour or two went by and I was checked again, during this check I was 6cm and my water broke! I was wondering when that would happen and prepared myself for things to ramp up.

My God I had no idea. A contraction hit immediately, either that or someone had kicked me in the belly with a steel capped boot and I all but leapt off the bed and ran back into my dark, hot shower, another one came before I got there, and then another and then another. I was climbing the shower walls, laying on the floor, doing everything I could to find the sweet spot that would slow things down, quiet the searing hot, pulling, pushing, oceans crashing, world turning, erupting pain. I was going down and going down fast. I had gone too far and couldn’t make it back out, I should have asked for company, for coaching, instead I howled, screamed, begged to be checked and when the nurse was finally able to contort herself and check me in the shower she called it at still a 6. I couldn’t see or hear anything but relief. Epidural. EPIDURAL. Get me the God damned drugs (sorry Lord!) and with a promise of sweet relief I crawled back to bed. Still screaming, still cursing, demanding to know why?

And then I felt it, I knew it instantly and gave in. Ppppppuuuuusssshhh. I couldn’t help it. I ignored the nurses and did it again. Puuuuuuuushh. I was checked again,the nurses hopeful I had progressed to a 10. No, only 7. Do not push they screamed. In between the pushing, the screaming, I demanded to know where the meds were, I was convinced they were never coming and I had been lied to.

The anesthesiologist finally arrived. Nice man, he set me up all the while I lay on my side pushing my brains out. Before he hooked up the meds I was checked again, 9.5cm… In minutes…. They all tried to tell me, through sheer terror, pain, I don’t know what it was, I did not hear it and pushed and begged for the meds. I couldn’t breathe through all the kicking, pushing, screaming and I wanted out. I begged to go home…. And then I began to shake, and my body went cold and sweet, precious, delicious relief swept slowly over me. I was so happy for the respite, but couldn’t stop apologizing, crying. I was so weak and I was so sorry for it. As the medicine spread, things calmed down and I slowly stopped apologizing. It dawned on me only now that the pain fog was clearing, that I was about to meet my littlest love. Rommy and I looked at each other excitedly, our love was about to double.

I felt my hips widen, I felt my son move down… I loved feeling this with Sam and I was so happy to feel it with Asher even through the epidural. I said I wanted to push and did so, the Dr told me to reach down and feel my son, and there he was, all sticky, matted hair. I pushed again and his head was born, he got a bit stuck at the shoulders, but with a little help from my doctor he slid right out. In the epidural-calm minutes before he was born, I asked the doctor if I could catch my own baby, she said of course, and so I did, I was the first to touch him. I held onto his slippery warm body, just under his arms and lifted him out, up onto me, up to and into my heart. I knew him, I loved him. Rommy and I looked at each other crying, in awe of having done this again. Our love, doubled.

I don’t regret having the epidural, this was Asher’s birth and pregnancy. Planned and hoped for one way, gone completely another. Still precious, still beautiful and such a lesson for parenthood. This life, motherhood, is raw, it’s painful, it’s unpredictable, but it’s the most worthwhile beautiful thing I have ever done.

To my boys; with your births I was reborn, made over, remolded, fixed, forever changed. Forever better for every minute of growing you, birthing you, meeting and falling in love with you. I owe you the world and plan on being good for it.

With love,
Mama

Hi friends, family…. Anyone?

It’s been ages since I last visited, but I think of this little space often.

Unfortunately this pregnancy is, for many reasons, kicking my butt! Add on top of that a very active, very sweet, but very early rising toddler and well, you’ve got one tired Mama.

I’m slowly emerging from the fog that is weekly self administered shots of progesterone for preterm labor and a very surprising diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes, entailing a super strict low carb, high protein diet (like, 4 strawberries here, 6 walnut halves here strict), finger pricks and meds. The good coming from Gestational Diabetes? Well I am a girl after all, I’ve lost 3 lbs and only put on about 10 lbs total this whole pregnancy. Ha ha, I’ll take the good where I can find it! 

When all I want to do is relish this precious little being growing, rolling, kicking in my belly, it’s a daily challenge to look past the struggle and pain and visualize his sweet face on the other side. I’ll persevere though, because we’ll most likely be meeting our littlest love next month and all the bad will be washed away in the awesomeness of his first cry, newborn smell and newborn rolls.

Slow yoga, good food, newborn clothes washing, car seat installation, hypnobabies practicing and a hospital bag (no homebirth for this chubby little GD baby)… These are the things filling my head and heart for the next few weeks. A whole lot of big brother loving too!

Xxx

Hi friends, family…. Anyone?

It’s been ages since I last visited, but I think of this little space often.

Unfortunately this pregnancy is, for many reasons, kicking my butt! Add on top of that a very active, very sweet, but very early rising toddler and well, you’ve got one tired Mama.

I’m slowly emerging from the fog that is weekly self administered shots of progesterone for preterm labor and a very surprising diagnosis of Gestational Diabetes, entailing a super strict low carb, high protein diet (like, 4 strawberries here, 6 walnut halves here strict), finger pricks and meds. The good coming from Gestational Diabetes? Well I am a girl after all, I’ve lost 3 lbs and only put on about 10 lbs total this whole pregnancy. Ha ha, I’ll take the good where I can find it!

When all I want to do is relish this precious little being growing, rolling, kicking in my belly, it’s a daily challenge to look past the struggle and pain and visualize his sweet face on the other side. I’ll persevere though, because we’ll most likely be meeting our littlest love next month and all the bad will be washed away in the awesomeness of his first cry, newborn smell and newborn rolls.

Slow yoga, good food, newborn clothes washing, car seat installation, hypnobabies practicing and a hospital bag (no homebirth for this chubby little GD baby)… These are the things filling my head and heart for the next few weeks. A whole lot of big brother loving too!

Xxx

A forever home…

It’s hard to see where this adventure is going to take us, but friends, family, anyone?! The loan has been pre-approved and we are in search of a home, perhaps our forever home. Five acres or so where our family can grow, explore, breath. There are dreams of chickens, and goats (I say chickens first, he says goats, I’m giddy over the hours we spend debating this!), of maple trees and home made ice rinks in the winter, of veggie gardens and white Christmases, of sustainability and focusing on family. It’s all such good stuff.

There is so much that this journey entails but our boots are strapped and we are on our way, however long or winding the road may be. I’m searching online listings and spending baby nap times entering every variation of “Farm” I can think of on Pinterest, He rolls his eyes as I feverishly research and read and plan. He tells me how he trusts me to make our farm and our lives as beautiful as I have made them thus far. My heart can barely handle the love.

We are excited and scared, it would be so much easier to just keep doing what we are doing, living where the faces and places are familiar, where the risks seem small… Or would it? Our hearts and minds have been at war but we know what we need to do. Leap! Fly or fall, at least we can say we gave it our all, that we really lived our lives, I mean, we’d be failing the younger Us miserably if we didn’t follow our hearts, the younger Us, that met, fell in love and were married and living on the other side of the world in mere months! Those kids, those dreamers, those two who made it work, because the ache for love and happiness was too big to ignore. We leapt then and we’ll leap now. There is no wrong turn, as long as we keep moving… 

We are scheming and dreaming and I’m doing a lot of smiling, and praying that the perfect situation presents itself. Life is just so sweet and I’m brought to tears with gratitude often. 

Pray for us and think of us. Follow along with us. I’ll update when I can.

xxx

Our inspiration:
http://longestacres.blogspot.com
http://www.lusaorganics.typepad.com
http://www.soulemama.com
http://www.cinnamongirlofmaine.com
http://beautythatmoves.typepad.com

A forever home…

It’s hard to see where this adventure is going to take us, but friends, family, anyone?! The loan has been pre-approved and we are in search of a home, perhaps our forever home. Five acres or so where our family can grow, explore, breath. There are dreams of chickens, and goats (I say chickens first, he says goats, I’m giddy over the hours we spend debating this!), of maple trees and home made ice rinks in the winter, of veggie gardens and white Christmases, of sustainability and focusing on family. It’s all such good stuff.

There is so much that this journey entails but our boots are strapped and we are on our way, however long or winding the road may be. I’m searching online listings and spending baby nap times entering every variation of “Farm” I can think of on Pinterest, He rolls his eyes as I feverishly research and read and plan. He tells me how he trusts me to make our farm and our lives as beautiful as I have made them thus far. My heart can barely handle the love.

We are excited and scared, it would be so much easier to just keep doing what we are doing, living where the faces and places are familiar, where the risks seem small… Or would it? Our hearts and minds have been at war but we know what we need to do. Leap! Fly or fall, at least we can say we gave it our all, that we really lived our lives, I mean, we’d be failing the younger Us miserably if we didn’t follow our hearts, the younger Us, that met, fell in love and were married and living on the other side of the world in mere months! Those kids, those dreamers, those two who made it work, because the ache for love and happiness was too big to ignore. We leapt then and we’ll leap now. There is no wrong turn, as long as we keep moving…

We are scheming and dreaming and I’m doing a lot of smiling, and praying that the perfect situation presents itself. Life is just so sweet and I’m brought to tears with gratitude often.

Pray for us and think of us. Follow along with us. I’ll update when I can.

xxx

Our inspiration:
http://longestacres.blogspot.com
http://www.lusaorganics.typepad.com
http://www.soulemama.com
http://www.cinnamongirlofmaine.com
http://beautythatmoves.typepad.com

Asher Wilde…

Littlest heart of mine. Tiny wiggle by tiny wiggle my heart finds yours and I begin to fall in love.

For you there are no hours spent rubbing my ever growing belly, no Sacred Pregnancy journal, no special teas or meditations. No, for the sake of time, that is all for first baby’s… In my case anyway… But sweet son there is so much love, and a peaceful knowing of how much you’ll mean to me, I can feel your weight in my arms, smell the sweetness of your new born head and in the moments where I can, I picture our soon to be moments together in secret dark hours of the day, kissing, rocking, loving… With you there is a calm and a knowing like never before. 

Our family could never be without you Wilde boy, you have made us a brother and parents of two and it’s a gift to this little family too sweet and too huge to imagine. You are more than we deserve.

I love you darling.


xxx Mama

Asher Wilde…

Littlest heart of mine. Tiny wiggle by tiny wiggle my heart finds yours and I begin to fall in love.

For you there are no hours spent rubbing my ever growing belly, no Sacred Pregnancy journal, no special teas or meditations. No, for the sake of time, that is all for first baby’s… In my case anyway… But sweet son there is so much love, and a peaceful knowing of how much you’ll mean to me, I can feel your weight in my arms, smell the sweetness of your new born head and in the moments where I can, I picture our soon to be moments together in secret dark hours of the day, kissing, rocking, loving… With you there is a calm and a knowing like never before.

Our family could never be without you Wilde boy, you have made us a brother and parents of two and it’s a gift to this little family too sweet and too huge to imagine. You are more than we deserve.

I love you darling.


xxx Mama

Sweetest soul, heart of my heart, tomorrow you are 11 months old, so very close to having completed a full trip around the sun.

How my Mama heart both soars and sinks at the thought of you no longer being a baby. 

Your giggles grow louder as your steps grow quicker and your spirit, much like your hair, defies gravity. There is something about you Sam Maverick that makes goners of us all. Maybe it’s the way you give us the side eye and smile before cheekily doing something you aren’t supposed to do (like eating dog food or handfuls of dirt, or trying to get into the toilet!), maybe it’s the way your arms reach out for anyone who will have you or the way you smile at the wind blowing in the trees, maybe it’s the way you eat like a grown man, but stash snacks in the pouches of your cheeks much like a squirrel, perhaps your chubby little hands are what drive us wild, opening and closing, hello/bye-bye, or your dance moves - a bend of those chunky knees and a rythmic bob of your head… The sweet smell of the crook of your neck, singing “ahhhh” to anyone who will listen and sing along… It could be all of those things or just the fact that at 11 months old you are one heck of a guy.

I am fascinated by you, inspired by you, truly and madly in love with you.

I was telling Papa just the other day how I can feel my love for you evolving, before I loved you because you were a part of us, a piece of my heart, my flesh and blood, but now, now I love you and fall more in love with you because of who you are, as your own person. It’s unreal.

Keep growing, keep glowing little light of my life.

Yours,

Mama

Sam Maverick, you are 10 months old!

You are no longer my tiny baby, you are a boy, a boy who laughs, eats, sleeps so well, likes to be chased, likes to be tickled, likes to be snuggled and cuddled and kissed. You kiss us now whenever the mood strikes and it is heartbreaking-ly sweet.

You are crawling at full speed and will walk along furniture or if we hold your hands, you will push behind a turned over washing basket and cross a room in seconds!

You are such a gentle, sweet and happy boy, content unless tired or hungry. You are mischievous as all get out and love to hide behind furniture and corners, splash in the dog water bowl and nibble on Dexter’s tail. Cheeky, sweet, beautiful babe! The world is your playground and you are constantly amazed and fascinated. It is beautiful to watch.

We are head over heals in love with you kid. You are our happiest moments.

Love you.

xxx Mama 

Four years ago today, on a cool Wednesday afternoon, we declared our love in front of our nearest and dearest in an ancient church in a tiny English village. Our love and family has grown, first with our dog boy and then with our precious bull baby and now, just when we thought we couldn’t be blessed with more, we became a family of four. Thank you God for our blessings!

Four years ago today, on a cool Wednesday afternoon, we declared our love in front of our nearest and dearest in an ancient church in a tiny English village. Our love and family has grown, first with our dog boy and then with our precious bull baby and now, just when we thought we couldn’t be blessed with more, we became a family of four. Thank you God for our blessings!

9 months my little heart, I can barely believe how quickly the time goes by.

You amaze me everyday with new faces, sounds and skills.

You love to eat  paper towels, Dexter’s tail and Mama’s spotty purse. 

You shout ba-ba all day long and will cry out Mamamamama when you are sad or angry.You’ll crawl across the room to follow Daddy out of the door and you’ll stand, climb, cruise along anything to get what you want.

You are smiley and happy but know what you want, you are perfect.

Before you I thought I knew what bumps and scratches were, I thought I understood the depths of sadness, the highest elevation of happiness, how silly I was. You make everything more my darling and through knowing you I better know me.

I love you my boy, my bull, you are my heart and soul, my gift.

x Mama

Old School.

We are going off the grid people… Well as much off the grid as you can for a family living in the middle of Los Angeles, which all boils down to the fact that we no longer have Internet in our home. Nope. I think we are the only family in this century without wifi, but we are kind of excited.

Our hearts ache for less screen time, more time with each other playing board games, running through wild lavender fields etc. Our babe is growing up so fast and we want to make sure we are in an environment conducive to maximum soaking up of his cuteness. We have no self control and this change leaves us with no choice but for quiet family game nights, long dinners, lots of bible time and walks together to Starbucks when I want to Google things like “green baby poop” and “how to sew baby harem pants”.

The money we’ll save is a motivating factor too! All the pennies we can put into our buy-a-farm-fund all the better.

While we still have the 3G on our phones, we are looking forward to a no cable TV, no home phone, no Internet kinda home.

So this is not goodbye, but an I’ll see you around sometime, perhaps every few weeks or so for a babe update.

xxx
TL

Precious heart, my little Wild Thing. You are 8 months old today and own this Mama’s heart.

You are growing, growing like a little weed, a sweet Sunflower.

You smile, you giggle, you scream, you cry in frustration. 

You pull up, you crawl, you reach, you grab, you fall down, you are so brave and strong.

You eat like a teenage boy, and very much enjoy grilled cheese on sourdough and steamed carrots and zucchini. You wallow in the bath like a happy little hippo for the longest time.

You can cross the house in a minute and I find you in corners doing mischievous things.

You want me all the time, but you don’t need me any more. You love to hold my hand and fiddle with my clothes and face as we nurse.

You adore your dog, and the painting of your dog.

You smile the widest for your Daddy and for the thermostat control too.

You goo and you gah and you reach for strangers. You know that the shaped blocks go into their holder, your tiny fingers fiddle for ages with it.

You sleep the whole night through, and I am so proud of you. You rub your eyes when you are tired and you get super snuggly, you immediately relax when I turn your fan on for white noise.

Our days are filled with play and food, of short walks to the coffee shop, mommy and me yoga and most recently music class. You love the bubble song.

You make me feel. Everything. You make me want to be better. I love becoming who you need me to be. I am a better Mama, wife and person every day, because I love you. 

Keep growing, keep moving… Many said I’d be exhausted, but I only feel more alive. Keep hiding in those corners and I will keep chasing after you, finding you.

I love you Sam Maverick.

xx Mama